A tribute to a scientist and a good friend - 24 June 1954 to 12 Sep 2011, 1638hrs

She knew that she would not live long once she knew she had cancer that had spread. She did not openly acknowledge the dreadful disease nor wish to talk about it. She wanted to play the low key mode, not to upset her loved ones too much, to finish her unfinished relationship, and not to give additional trouble or extra work for others.

In her own way, she refused painful treatment or treatments which would cause her suffering. She knew chemotherapy was a dead end for her terminal condition as she was her own expert in this field and her chance was too slim and she did not want to suffer the side effects and still had to die the painful way. She decided TCM, herbal and alternative medicine and even when such treatments got too aggressive and the alternative drugs had side effects, she decided to take the medicine home and put them in the house without consuming it. In a way, this action managed the expectation of the friends and doctors and others concerned.

She didn't bother to explain much to her family. Perhaps she thought that they could never understand and in her usual self, and also she did not want to trouble people.

All her life, she spent teaching and coaching students and her research. She is a true scientist and is indeed professional in both mind and practice. But like all successful professionals, she also didn't put her family and loved ones higher than her work most of the days. She knew she needed more time with her family at this final stage of the journey and she planned for it.

I always laughed at her priorities during our conversation at the many lunches that we had, not in a disrespectful manners. I once asked and was shocked that she had never watched a movie with her family. Her free time was used up to do mundane things like grocery shopping and hopping from one house to another to clean and tidy them. And work, work and work... and work..

In the last few months, her husband supported her decision and decided to spend the rest of the final days taking care of her every minutes of the days. He tried to fulfill her wishes to let her eat whatever food she wanted despite those foods were considered "taboo" and not advised by the TCM to take. For example, she suddenly missed eating bak ku teh, something that she would never take when she was well and would have never allowed me to take too, because she said "it was too oily dirty fatty and sinful". But In her last days, she wanted to eat it for every meal. And this behavior shocked every one in the family except her husband who continued to buy her the food she wanted to eat. This, in the Chinese way, is the true expression of unconditional love, support and care.

So many time her friends and family thought the couples had gone crazy. But like two young lovers madly in love with each other, the husband supported her every wishes. And when she did not wish to let others know she was dying (perhaps too fast even to her) her husband helped to block them but saying that she was sleeping or meditating whenever they called or wanted to see her.

She probably knew that True friends will understand eventually that to be good friends mean to support and respect another friends wishes. And not to impose your personal expectation and preference to others.

In her own way, she managed this drastic disease very well and I salute another hero of a good death.

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May you be well, happy, peaceful.

With Gratitude,
ROBIN